You may have wondered where I have been
As you can probably guess, I lost my mother here recently. I have talked about my depression in the past here and alot of it was from watching my mother decline rapidly over the last year or so. The last few months of 2019 were the hardest thing I have ever had to experience. So for my first post of 2020, I wanted to say goodbye to my best friend and mother, Billie Jean Nance.
In 1986, this wonderful woman reached up into the stars and chose to bring be home, now we get to step outside every night and talk to the first star we see. Skyler has been doing this for years with the man that was going to adopt her, and I have also talked to my father this way. Now we have another angel in the sky to talk to and talk about what is going on in our lives.
I don't have time to grieve
I am having a really hard time grieving simply because I am having to hold everything in check for my family. Both of my children were present when I held my mother’s hand as she took her last breath. I also had to deal with her body after that. But, there was something good that came from that, but I will talk about that in a few moments.
I also don’t have time to really grieve because bills are now due, I don’t have one more month of her income to come in like we thought would happen, and Skyler’s instrument broke and had to be put in for repair.
I also have to talk to the lawyers, because the house was willed over to me, but a lot more go into probate court and wills with real estate being willed to a child.
When I do have time to Grieve
This process has been extremely hard on me, and one thing I have been lucky to have is my loving husbands support. One of the ways I have dealt with this grieving and depression from losing my best friend and mother has been sleep. In the last week of my mother’s life, I barely slept as I was her caregiver. She must have had a stroke and started to “transition” as she was not sleeping and was in a lot of pain. I feel a lot of guilt for that last week and I have to remind myself that I have nothing to feel guilty of.
When talking to others about what happened, I try to hold it together, but there are times when you can hear the tears in my voice. But, as a caregiver, I always had to push my feelings back and talk care of everyone else around me first. That might be why I start feeling sick and just sleep when I can. James has been great when I start feeling that way lately and just lets me sleep.
Hospice, Willed Body Program, Support Groups
Angels Hospice Corp here in Mesquite was wonderful with our family, Everything from our Nurse Stephen which walked me through everything to the Rev. Clint was special with our family. If your loved one needs hospice, I will highly recommend this company. Even when my mother started to “transition” and I called several times and even took my mother to Baylor hospital in Dallas, their on call nurses were wonderful. When the Critical Care Nurse came, they made sure I got sleep and help keep her comfortable. I am so happy they were here for my mother’s last moments.
I don’t know what I would have done if not for the wonderful program at UT Southwestern, Willed Body Program. My mother contacted them years ago, to have her body donated to this program. Sitting down with one of the nurses from Angel Hospice and their social worker Warren, the Dallas County Medical Examiner released my mothers body for UT Southwestern, to pick her up. Not only were the employees here wonderful, and treated my mother with so much respect but allowed us to be with her every step of the way if we could. In around 1-2 years I will recieve my mothers ashes from them and I don’t have to pay for any of this. We wouldn’t have had the money either way.
In the week leading up to all of this, I found a support group for caregivers on facebook. It has been so great to read that other went or are going through something that I did. If you are able to, find a support group a lot earlier on than I did. You can find the group I am in HERE
A Goodbye for Now
I am going to try and come back here soon, and I plan on writing more about caregiving, supporting, my children, and much more. But this first post of 2020 has to be the hardest thing I have even written. It is about saying goodbye to my best friend and mother. I really don’t know what I am going to do without her.